What frame is and how to hold it

"Frame" is one of the most used and worst explained words in this whole area. It usually comes wrapped in mysticism and needs none: it's who defines what's going on.

An example before the definition

Someone asks you "why are you still single?" That question comes with a pre-built version of reality: being single is a flaw, you have to explain it, and she evaluates whether the explanation holds up.

If you answer "I just work a lot", you've accepted all three. If you answer "are you applying?", the conversation becomes about her interest and none of the three premises survive. No clever line did that: refusing to accept the casting did.

Frame isn't an attitude. It's which version of the situation gets taken as true.

How to tell you've lost it

• You're explaining something nobody made you explain.
• You're asking permission with your intonation, even if your words don't.
• You're proving something: that you're fun, that you have money, that you're not like other guys.
• You're changing your opinion mid-sentence after seeing the other person didn't like it.
• You're waiting for a sign of approval before continuing.

None of the five has to do with being soft or tough. You can lose frame while shouting, and hold it perfectly while speaking softly.

Gabrielle, 32Contéstalo tú

Are you always like this or are you trying to play it cool?

Your answer

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What frame isn't

This part matters more than the definition, because the confusion is expensive. Frame isn't toughness, isn't answering rudely and isn't contradicting everything on principle.

Frame also holds itself

The part people mention least: holding it doesn't happen in the conversation, it happens before. Someone with a full week, his own opinions and nothing urgent to prove holds frame without remembering the word exists.

Someone who's been waiting three weeks for a text loses it at the first jab, no matter how much theory he knows. That's why techniques do little when the underlying situation works against you.

Frame in three concrete situations

Outside of dating, the concept is easier to see, because there's no emotional noise involved.

1. 1Negotiating a salary. If you start by explaining why you deserve more, you've accepted that it has to be deserved and that the other side judges. If you name a number and stop talking, the frame is that there's a price and it's accepted or not.
2. 2With a client asking for a discount. Justifying the price makes it debatable. Saying "that's what it costs" leaves it as a fact.
3. 3With a friend roasting you in front of the group. Defending yourself turns the joke into a topic. Signing it and moving on keeps it a joke.

In all three, nobody is being tough on anyone. The only thing that changes is which version of the situation gets taken as true.

Mistakes of someone who just discovered the word

• Using it to justify never apologizing. Admitting your own mistake costs no frame; denying everything on principle does, because it gives away that there's something to protect.
• Confusing it with not sharing information. Telling someone what you do is normal conversation. The problem starts when you tell it to use it as an argument.
• Turning it into a constant test: contradicting everything to check you're holding it. That's already worrying about how you're seen, which is the definition of having lost it.
• Applying it to people who aren't testing anything. Most conversations aren't an exam, and treating them like one is exhausting for everyone.

If you have to remember to hold frame, the frame is already somewhere else.